Ancient Arminian Manuscript

By Jason Robertson

CAIRO, EGYPT – In a stunning discovery, archaeologists working near ancient Alexandria have come upon what appears to be a second century manuscript of Luke’s gospel. This particular manuscript, which is in excellent condition, had been sitting in a clay jar in what appears to have been an old storage chamber under several levels of city streets. Lead archaeologist Dr. Wilson Davies, professor of Middle Eastern history at Southern Methodist University, told TBNN, “We are very excited about this find. We believe it will shed light on what Luke was really trying to tell us so many years ago. The chapter 15 passage in particular is very interesting.” In most bibles Luke 15:4-5 reads something like this, “”What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing.” According to the archaeological team, this new manuscript reads differently. In Greek, it says in Luke 15:4-5: “What sheep of you when you are lost does not leave the open country and go after the shepherd until you find him? And when you have found him, you jump on his shoulders, rejoicing.” Dr. Davies defended the find by stating that the manuscript does not appear to have any tampering and appears authentic. According to Davies, “This manuscript just lends further support to our Wesleyan-Methodist theology at SMU. Ever since John Wesley himself, we have believed that it is man who chooses God. This manuscript, which could be a copy of the original writing of Luke himself, supports our beliefs. It is now clear that the sheep searches for the shepherd instead of the shepherd searching for the sheep.” ___________________

Addressing Real Need

from Out of Ur:

Lost Sheep Looks for Shepherd

Thanks to Tominthebox News Network…

CAIRO, EGYPT – In a stunning discovery, archaeologists working near ancient Alexandria have come upon what appears to be a second century manuscript of Luke’s gospel. This particular manuscript, which is in excellent condition, had been sitting in a clay jar in what appears to have been an old storage chamber under several levels of city streets.

Lead archaeologist Dr. Wilson Davies, professor of Middle Eastern history at Southern Methodist University, told TBNN, “We are very excited about this find. We believe it will shed light on what Luke was really trying to tell us so many years ago. The chapter 15 passage in particular is very interesting.”

In most bibles Luke 15:4-5 reads something like this, “”What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing.”

According to the archaeological team, this new manuscript reads differently. In Greek, it says in Luke 15:4-5: “What sheep of you when you are lost does not leave the open country and go after the shepherd until you find him? And when you have found him, you jump on his shoulders, rejoicing.”

Dr. Davies defended the find by stating that the manuscript does not appear to have any tampering and appears authentic. According to Davies, “This manuscript just lends further support to our Wesleyan-Methodist theology at SMU. Ever since John Wesley himself, we have believed that it is man who chooses God. This manuscript, which could be a copy of the original writing of Luke himself, supports our beliefs. It is now clear that the sheep searches for the shepherd instead of the shepherd searching for the sheep.”

Smart Wolf

The wolf found that shepherd’s clothing worked even better. (from Reverend Fun Cartoons)

Antidotes to Contemporary Stupefaction

Doug Groothius has done it again – compiled an indispensable list. Oh, how I love his lists… JB 

1. Read old, challenging books.
2. Talk to people in situations with no background noise.
3. Pray through the Psalms.
4. Read the Book of Ecclesiastes multiple times until it sinks in.
5. Talk to older people and really listen to them.
6. Sit in silence, doing nothing for short or long periods of time (but not in a yoga posture).
7. Thank God for what cannot be taken away.
8. Write a letter (not an email) to a friend or family member.
9. See a worthwhile film and then talk about it with a group of people. Don’t use the word “awesome.”
10. Drive in silence–no radio, music, cell phones, etc.
11. Listen to John Coltrane’s “A Love Supreme” until you get it. But don’t accept the theology of the liner notes.
12. Fast and pray for a few days (without telling anyone who doesn’t need to know).
13. Pray written prayers from The Book of Common Prayer.
14. Read historical confessional statements such as The Thirty Nine Articles or The Westminster Confession of Faith or The Athansian Creed.
15. Do not interrupt people when you talk with them. Do not finish their sentences. Maybe they are looking for just the right word.
16. Weep with those who weep.
17. Stop watching television for one week. Note what happens to your soul.
18. Listen to a classic book on tape when you are driving.
19 Buy someone a book they wouldn’t buy for themselves and ask them to read it.
20. Pray for strangers as they pass you by.
21. Take communion on a regular basis.
22. Look for opportunities to share the Gospel with strangers in creative ways. (I’ve done it in a public steam bath several times.)
23. Listen to Mars Hill Audio interviews.

Now, dear readers, please add a few of your own to his incomplete list.

Fish Food

 

 

 

  

HT to Out of Ur

The Downside of Finding Your “Purpose”

from Extreme Theology

Bill Cosby tells a story about a friend who tried to convince him to try cocaine by claiming that it enhances one’s personality. Cosby’s retort was classic. He asked, “Yeah, but what if you’re an ass****?”

I think the same principle applies to being “Purpose-Driven” and “finding your purpose”.

 

John Owen’s Funnier Side

from Reformed Renegade  John Owen had a funny side too, ya know. The following is a portion from Vindiciae Evangelicae and is a satirical catechism in refutation of Socinianism. Q1. What is God? A. God is a spirit, that hath a bodily shape, eyes, ears, hands, feet, like to us. Q2. Where is this God? A. In a certain place in heaven, upon a throne, where man may see from his right hand to his left. Q3. Doth he ever move out of that place? A. I cannot tell what he doth ordinarily, but he hath formerly come down sometimes upon the earth. Q4. What doth he do there in that place? A. Among other things, he conjectures at what men will do here below. Q5. Doth he, then, not know what we do? A. He doth know what we have done, but not what we will do. Q6. What frame is he upon his knowledge and conjecture? A. Sometimes he is afraid, sometimes grieved, sometimes joyful, and sometimes troubled. Q7. What peace and comfort can I have in committing myself to his providence, if he knows not what will befall me tomorrow? A. What is that to me? See you to that.

Interdenominational Light Bulb Changing

Cameron Buettel makes some strikingly astute, strikingly funny, observations concerning light bulb changing. -JB

Interdenominational Light Bulb Changing

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None – God has predestined when the lights will be on and when they will be off.

How many Arminians does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one – but first the light bulb must make a decision for change.

How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
One – because his hands are already up in the air anyway.

How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
CHANGE???!!!

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
ten – one to change the light bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One – but for the message of the light to continue please sow your seed . . .

How many Fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one – because any more would be compromise and ecumenical.

How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
None – unless the Lord leads you to change it.

How many Dispensationists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two – one to change the bulb and one to keep the promises to the old bulb (ok a little abstract)

How many Promise Keepers does it take to change a light bulb?
None – unless coach MacCartney says it’s manly to do so.

How many Hyper Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None – only God knows if the light bulb is one of the elect and every Calvinist knows that only God can change a light bulb.

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
None – they assume darkness is the nature of the bulb but it would be harmful and disrespectful to violate the personality of the bulb.

How many Evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
None – it will change by itself.

How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
Seventeen – five to form a commitee to find and nominate nine people for an open discussion on the issues of bulb changing so they can appoint a final commitee of three people to draft a final resolution about the bulb change of which one will change the bulb, one will supervise the bulb changing procedure, and the other will return a month later to check the performance of the bulb.

How many Seventh Day Adventists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one – as long as it isn’t on Saturday.

How many Atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
One – but they’re still in darkness.

How many Seeker Friendlies does it take to change a light bulb?
Is that what the light bulb wants?

How many Emergents does it take to change a light bulb?
It all depends on what reality the light bulb chooses to live in.

How many “Liberal Christians” does it take to change a light bulb?
111 – 27 to reconstruct the dilapidated house that a burnt out bulb would be found in, 15 to set up a food and clothes pantry for those working on the house and those who will soon live in the house, 8 scholars to think of new ways of understanding light, three more scholars to discuss how much we’ve misunderstood the bulb, 32 to love the old bulb in the same way that Jesus loved bulbs, and 26 to love the new bulb the same way.

Top Ten Reasons the Dispensationalist Did Not Cross the Road

from Parchment and Pen

~ C Michael Patton ~

Chad contributes a great one!

10. Thought he would be raptured before he got there anyway.

9. Thought that the other side was for the ‘Israel’, and this side was for the ‘church’.

8. Charles Ryrie was still on this side of the road, why cross?

7. Thought it was pointless since Jesus was just going to bring him back after 7 years.

6. Like the OT prophets and the church age, he was unable to see the other side.

5. He was afraid that if he went, there would be nothing to restrain the man of lawlessness.

4. He was not a part of the dispensation of ‘crossing’.

3. Dallas Theological Seminary hadn’t yet published anything telling him how to do it.

2. Thought there was a two thousand foot gap between the 69th and 70th step.

1. By taking a consistently literal approach, he thought that ‘cross the road’ meant something about the crucifixion.

That was great. And you all thought I was not wear bells of equal opportunity.

I guess we should work on the Charismatic more now?